Drained

I’m so glad Mother’s Day weekend is over. I just wish it had taken all this exhaustion with it.

While I saw many posting on different social media platforms about all the gifts they received from loved ones I was busy hoping to receive SOMETHING from my kids and/or husband.

By the time the clock struck midnight all I wanted to do was cry my eyes out because this Mother’s Day was extremely devoid of any joy. It was another damn Sunday. I went grocery shopping with the kids, took a nap, browsed social media and tried to stay mentally busy.

I failed miserably. Starting Saturday, I was on my own. No one asked if I wanted anything. There were no homemade cards, flowers weren’t picked or bought for me, no one said how much they appreciate me as the mom of this family.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit I’m not the easiest to tolerate, but dammit this day is hard enough without my daughter..do I really need to be drilled further into the ground by being ignored? I’ve dealt with this on my birthday before which let’s be honest hurt damn near as much as losing my daughter, but fuck this time it was knife twisting in the uterus type pain.

I guess I should start at the beginning. My husband failed to wake up on time for his test for a city job. Somehow that became my fault, or so it felt. He then asked me “what about breakfast?” This is where I got snippy. I say the same thing EVERY year…”either plan something out, make reservations or just plan for something to do at home, but do NOT expect me to want to go out to eat last minute when everyone has the same idea.”

I don’t think it’s much to ask, but still every year I get asked the same fucking question. “What do you want to do?” Every year I get pissed off that my husband hasn’t taken the initiative. We’ve been together long enough that he knows what I like to eat, watch, do and experience. Which is why it’s so infuriating that I still get asked.

Father’s Day and his birthday, with the exception of last year when I was in the deepest lows of my depression, have always been celebrated. Thing is he likes to measure how my birthday will be celebrated based on how his was since he is a few months before me.

I thought we were at the point in our relationship where celebrating one another did not depend on moods or previous celebrations, but every year I’m surprised by how wrong I am. I really needed some type of validation this year.

Thank you for reading and allowing me to vent. I type this through tears as I look at my kids watching tv in the living room and I dread my husband coming home because then the ignoring continues.

I apologize for my whining. I’m not in a very positive or confident place right now despite my outward appearance. If you too are struggling in any way please reach out. We can tread water together. Don’t suffer alone.