Parent Advocating Fail

As parents it’s our job to protect and stand up for our children in situations they can’t otherwise do so themselves. Our children rely on us the most as their advocate when they are unable to speak for themselves. That’s when we really hone our skills for them.

Being the mother to boys makes it a little harder to advocate for them since I haven’t experience life as a male. I don’t understand their perspective or their challenges. This has been my handicap when it comes to helping to fight their battles.

I’ve had issues with helping my oldest battle his own mental health issues. In March he admitted to a desire to self harm which prompted an evaluation and a minor break from school while he sought help. He returned to school with everyone on board to keep an eye on him. Everyone opened their doors to him if/when he needed a break from class or his day. We all agreed to check in with him and each other if we saw something of concern. He did great the remainder of that school year and over the summer. His friend who brought his self harm plan to our attention was told to stay clear of him. Personally, that bothered me, but considering his plan was to hurt himself to hurt her, it made sense.

Here we are about 6 weeks into his last year in elementary school and we’ve hit a wall. I was called by the office and asked to come in because the mom of that friend wanted a meeting with me and my son. When I pressed for a reason all I was told was that the friend, a girl, was sent home early as a direct result of something that happened between her and my son. It was a bit of a scramble on my end to figure out how to go to this meeting while I had my youngest at home recovering from being sick over the weekend. I figured it out, went to the school. I pulled my son aside and asked him to give me an idea of what I was walking into beforehand. He knew nothing of what he could’ve done to trigger this meeting.

At this meeting with the girl, her mom, their homeroom teacher, school counselor, school priest and their science teacher/his scout troop leader I learned that my son was still attempting to talk to her at school. He would try to approach her, she would ignore him and according to her he had tugged on her hair that day when she ignored him. The mom stated that she noticed when I pick up my kids from school and we walk home we go down the street the school is on, but when my son walks on his own he takes the street they live on. This path he takes without me causes the girl to feel unsafe. I should mention that they live in the direction of our home. We have to pass in the vicinity of their house to get to ours.

All these sound like major red flags against my son. I will be the first to admit that it doesn’t sound as though he is innocent, but this is where I messed up. I went into this meeting mad at my son for causing this meeting. Instead of going in with the intention of listening with a bias towards the girl I was biased towards my own child. I didn’t defend him. I sat there as if he was not my son, with no defensive mom front whatsoever. I only reacted as a woman who has been made to feel unsafe by a man in the past.

It wasn’t until hours after that meeting when I had finally calmed down and had the chance to revisit it in my head that I realized a lot of what was said against him was without proof and, in my honest opinion, exaggerated. My son should not have felt as if he didn’t have me, the only person who truly had the ability to fight for him, on his side. He did not have to feel alone in that meeting. He cried when he heard the mom say her next step is to call the police to obtain a restraining order on my son. All this being with out warrant. He’s 13 years old dammit! He’s never hurt anyone. Not counting the time he was defending himself from a bully that took a swing at him, he otherwise has never hurt anyone. He just isn’t that kid. I’m not saying this because I’m biased. I’d take my kid to the authorities myself if I thought it would get him the help I believed he needed. I took him in for his evaluation myself in March. I’m not in denial.

On top of all this guilt that is weighing rather heavy on me for not advocating for him, I’m having to deal with how to make sure he fees safe too. He’s already being asked to change a lot of his own habits so that this girl feels safe at school. The difficult part about all of this is that they are in the same class. There is no option to switch classes since the school is so small the 7th and 8th grade class is combined. So unless one of us pulls our kid from the school, they’ll be stuck in the same class for the next 7 months.

My son has had the hardest time making friends. He was picked on in public school to the point where he was physically attacked by 2 boys on school grounds in 2nd grade. An incident that the school lied to me about and left my son with a black eye and scratches to his face. We switched schools to where he currently is and found another bully. That boy being in the same class as well. After meetings with the school and teachers the boys were kept close watch over and we declared it settled. I expressed to my son his need to voice any issues he had to me or another adult. That didn’t happen as planned because my son has a hard time expressing himself. Come 7th grade and they bully took a swing at him during recess to which my son countered with a judo sweep leaving the bully on the ground and walking away.

I’m torn as to what to do now. Is it too late to go back and defend my son against this mom? I already showed I was on her daughter’s side. How the hell do I go backwards and say “You’re exaggerating things against my son. I don’t believe you.”? My son has expressed he doesn’t want to change schools and he’s fine avoiding her, but there is still an issue that we can’t fix. They will at some point have some interaction because they’re in the same class. This is unavoidable! What do I do?

Guppy Breaths

The term “guppy breaths” usually describes some living being taking short gaspy breaths with their mouth open in an O shape. It’s a term mainly used for those who are struggling to breathe. Those struggling to get air into their lungs, but actively trying to live take guppy breaths.

Lately, I’ve felt as if my days have been consistent of short guppy breaths. I’ve had days where I want to be active, plan my future, make a difference and interact with the world. Then I have my guppy breath days where my instincts pull me away from everyone. I’m dragged down into a dark cloud of guilt, sadness, heaviness and just pitch black. Those days are when I struggle my hardest to reach out to the world. I’ve lately forced myself to check on my friends who I know are struggling too. I try to spend time with my kids are just interact with my husband despite my constantly being drawn to my bed for sleep.

I don’t want to give up. I know I have so much to live for, but damn those dark clouds are heavy and enveloping. My old friend depression knows just how to entice me. It knows all the right words to speak, the moment to give that “when you gonna just give in” look, that mom sigh of disappointment and the way to embrace me in their warmth. We’ve been friends for over a decade now. While depression learned my ins and outs I was busy just letting go and floating in it. It was easier then to drift away than try to fight against it.

Now, I’m learning to fight the natural feeling to give in. After watching my own child meet my old friend I realized not all friends are good. It came down to either my friend of my child. I chose my child. It wasn’t an easy decision to come to. Right away, I chose my child, but there went my friend trying to convince me that we could all live together in the dark. There was room for more, but I was not going to let my friend take my baby. I fought too hard to bring my baby into this world and keep him here to let him go so easily into the heavy clouds that were my home for so long.

Sitting down to talk to my child about my depression helped us both see that there is another side to life. We are stronger than our mutual friend. Not all friends want what’s best for you. We discovered we can lean on each other. It didn’t happen every time, but there have been moments where we reach out to one another and find the other was getting tired of fighting.

My child has found something to look forward to. He now has something to keep himself busy. We took away some outlets that weren’t helping him and found him new ones that make him feel better about himself. Already I’ve seen him happier. I love it.

It’s my turn to find that outlet for me. I only hope it’s enough and I’m able to keep my back turned on our friend.

Thank you for reading. Be safe.

Tears of anger

I sit here watching a jiu jitsu class taught by our resident dr who happens to be one of my favorite instructors aside from our coach while I hold back tears. Why? Well simply put I’m the only woman in class, odd person out, lack confidence to approach as a third wheel & have trust issues with new men on the mats ever since that incident weeks ago.

I came fully prepared to train, but instead I’m sitting upstairs watching because when everyone broke apart to grab a partner not one person looked at me. I asked someone to partner, but they were spoken for. So here I sit with tears welling up, a lump in my throat & my mind racing a mile a minute trying to convince myself that I’m better than this moment.

I really thought I’d be ok coming to class on my own full well knowing I may not have a partner & to be honest I thought I was ready. Turns out I wasn’t. There was a glimmer of hope when I spotted a buddy of mine, but he’s the guy who’s spoken for. Now I’m trying to swallow this massively jumbo sized jaw breaker lump in my throat so I don’t appear as a punk to the men in class.

You’re probably thinking “fuck what they think” or even “come on! Woman the fuck up & go fucking train” & you’d be right, but we are our own worst enemies & the voice in my head knows all the ways to beat me down. So I’ll just go shower, head to target then pick up my husband when he finishes his workout at the other gym.

I’d rather be training, but fuck it. The voice in my head one. My insecurities beat me & that’s ok. I know when to admit defeat.

Thanks for visiting. Be safe.

Egos & men in jiu jitsu

The title is just some of what I encounter when I train. I am a female blue belt at a school that does not follow any traditional rules when it comes to promoting its students from one belt to another. I still have a bit of a hard time accepting that I am a blue belt sometimes. I have mentioned previously that I did take just over one year off due to health issues.

So let’s focus on today and the events that occurred. I showed up to class mid-drilling. Yes, I know it is frowned upon, but I had to get in the proper head space after an incident I addressed in another post. Anyway, I showed up and made it in.

We drilled a simple open guard pass into combat slide to knee on belly with a baseball choke finish. I partner with the same guy every noon class. He’s a higher belt who helped break me down to build me into the person I am on the mats today. He’s already partnered with a white belt who is eager to use his limited (he doesn’t acknowledge that) skills to advance. Our young white is listening, but not quite hearing and applying the knowledge ole blue is handing down. It’s really just a simple “slow down, breathe, you’re trying to rush it”.

I jump in to lend another hand in the teaching as I am the odd woman out and I see my blue friend struggling. I reassure the young white that he will get it with time and patience. Together my friend and I spend the entire drilling session assisting our young friend in properly applying the technique and assure him he is doing well. He has a hard time accepting that it will take time, but with a gentle talking to from myself, blue and our brown belt instructor he appears to start understanding.

I stay out the first roll as young white goes with blue and brown coaches/oversees the roll. Meanwhile I stroll over to two other white belt gents who took class with us. One we shall call headgear because he wears it all the time and the other we shall call nice guy. Forgive me for not learning names, it takes months for me to remember a name.

Headgear pulls guard right away and maintains the guard all the while just overpowering nice guy. Headgear keeps yanking at the sleeves of nice guy. No real technique that we’ve learned is used. Just pure muscle. I can see nice guy is struggling a lot. So I begin to give him tips as I stand by watching. Nice guy applies what I say as best he can. Headgear gives me a glaring look for helping nice guy. With some direction and a lot of oomph on his part, nice guy breaks the guard and is able to maintain his posture by the end of the round. I consider that a MAJOR advancement. I have watched nice guy struggle repeatedly while I rolled with others. Never had the chance to help out until today.

After a roll with blue, we talk about how I could have finished a choke/arm bar combo I attempted. There’s banter back and forth, some examples as to how to transition for the finish and more banter. While bantering we are approached by nice guy who speaks to me and says “I had no idea what you meant when you said ‘down’, but headgear explained it after” (he demos what he was taught by headgear). I replied “that is NOT what I meant at all. Here let me show you. Blue put me in your guard”. A mini session takes place where blue and I show nice guy how to break the guard, maintain proper posture, hand placement, t-rex elbows and knee on belly (which was what we learned today).

After our session us three sit around chatting about jiu jitsu and the mental strength it takes to check your ego and learn. Blue gives great pointers, mentions how it took 8 years of sporadic training to rank up. I chime in “this is going to sound like a dick thing to say and correct me (looks at blue, touches blue’s arm) if I’m wrong, but if you ever need help with something ask a higher belt. Don’t ask a white belt.” Thankfully, blue concurs and adds to my statement by saying “there is a reason the higher belts aren’t still white belts. Some of these guys have big ass egos that don’t translate to proper technique”.

At this time, I can feel lasers melting my head from behind as headgear and his buddy cast guy (who sits out drilling but jumps in to roll with a cast on his forearm that he got from sparring in Muay Thai too hard with headgear). Neither guy has taken to me, both shoot eye daggers at me whenever I roll or drill. We’ve never introduced ourselves to one another, yeah I should be the one to do it, but nah I’d rather stray from assholes. So the chat continues, nice guy is very receptive and admits he is too old for an ego as he just wants to learn and improve.

The point I’m getting to here is there are two types of men that I’ve encountered in jiu jitsu. There may be more, but I’ve repeatedly seen two types. The ego driven ones who will not listen to anyone’s instructions, but pretend to so as not to hear it repeatedly, and prefer instead to muscle every advancement they can get despite their opponent being weaker, female, smaller or inexperienced. Now, I will say I have seen ego men be used as human mops, but their egos persist. I’m not sure how else they need to be told to stop with the ego, but trust me I’ve seen higher belts talk to them, manhandle them, hold a submission too long and just try to break their ego, but these egos of theirs are stubborn. Then there are the eager learners. Those who will seek out help, ask questions and genuinely want to get a drill right. Now, sometimes these types can be annoying by asking too many questions because they over think a drill. These guys have also gotten talks about not overthinking and letting themselves learn one thing at a time.

I’ll end this with some things to think about on your jiu jitsu journey.

Wanting to learn is great, but it’s better to focus on learning a few things well as opposed to knowing very little about a lot. Let’s apply that to jiu jitsu and life in general. Egos are great when in moments of self doubt. Find your ego and let it be your buoy when you’re drowning mentally. Otherwise, there is no need for it on the mats. Ultimately, it’ll only lead to injury for yourself or your partner in a physical or mental capacity. Best to not be the one that injures people.

That’s all for me at the moment. Be safe. Be well.

Flashbacks and frozen reactions

There are quite a few topics I’ll gloss over in this post, but I should warn you that they are not easy for me or any other person who has encountered such moments. I only ask that you read this objectively. Here goes…..

About 20+ years ago I was sexually molested. Very few people know. Not even my parents are aware. Assuming they will never read this post, they’ll never know either. It happened in the one place that has always remained sacred to me. It was all done over my clothes, but that doesn’t change how it made me feel considering I hadn’t yet understood the concept of sex. What made matters worse was that it was an extended family member. That person is no longer in the U.S. I refuse to speak their name, even to tell my husband.

Ok, now that you know that bit of my past I can dive into how it’s relevant to the rest of what I’m about to share. Not quite sure where to start this recap. This may jump all over. My brain is still attempting to process it all.

I showed up to my martial arts class exhausted, but excited to be back. We warmed up with some jogging and switching partners for pummeling. When it came time to drill we were told to stay with our last partner, which so happened to be a person I’d never partnered with at all. It was a relatively young guy who seemed to remember me so I assumed I had met him before. I’m horrible with faces, I give everyone nicknames to help remind me of who they are.

We had a minor interaction during pummeling when I heard him breathing really hard and commented he try breathing deeply through his nose to help. He didn’t much like that.

Through every drill we clashed. He was doing the drills wrong, I tried to politely correct him and was met with resistance in the form of excuses. One he continued to repeat was “Oh I thought I was doing it right, but then I was thinking to much and messed up.” I kept trying to help because I want everyone to succeed. Also, I knew if he didn’t execute the moves properly he couldn’t be an effective partner for me. There was some selfishness in there, I admit.

Some positions in jiu jitsu, the martial art I am learning, mimic sexual positions. It’s a very intimate art. There is a lot of trust we put into our partners. I screwed up trusting this guy because he recognized me. I stupidly assumed I knew the type of person he was on the mats. I was so wrong and paid the price.

Here are a list of the drills we did, most of which you can find on YouTube. Leg drag, leg drag to knee weave, modified scissor sweep, knee knock variations that I can’t remember names for. Every single move he found some way to make it uncomfortably sexual for me. I did tell him to stop several times. Especially when he was doing things that had nothing to do with the drill itself.

Fast forward to rolling. I walked away before it started to compose myself and search for a better partner for live sparring. I lucked out as everyone was paired. So I sat down about 3 feet away from him. He turned to me asking if I wanted to spar. I saw this as my chance to show him I in fact do know what I’m talking about.

We start on our knees, he attempts to pull me into his guard. I prevent it. I stand up to move into a better position, he decided to grab my ankle with both hands to pull me into him. I was aggravated so I gave him what he wanted. I shoved my knee into his sternum and went into knee on belly, slid down to a side control position. I attempted several submissions, all he muscled out of. I made sure not to ever get mount or put myself in a position he would enjoy.

That left me attacking his legs and feet. He slithered out of every attempt. Naturally, my muscle, very little that I have, is no match for a man’s. He did manage to get me on my back several times. I never stayed on my back. I worked from my side or attempted to sit up. Never put the guy in my guard. He would use his weight to pin my down on my side or on my back and just rub his torso on mine. It brought back very unpleasant flashbacks to when I was molested as it happened in a very similar way.

My brain shut down and my body froze. I couldn’t process what was happening. I had moments of lucidity, which is when I’d attempt a submission, but every time he overpowered me and put me back under his weight the same thing happened. He’d rub himself against me and my brain went blank.

Finally the round ended, the sound of the bell snapped me out of it. I got up and walked directly to my preferred partner. I took everything I had in my from that guy into my favorite partner. There was an anger that came out. One round with my fave and I sat out. I went to join a good friend who was stretching out. As I chat with her, another woman joins us who I have no issue with. So it’s 3 ladies chatting when THAT GUY comes over. I immediately stand and walk away.

The remainder of class I only rolled with my fave partner and 1 other guy who I trust. I just couldn’t bring myself to attempt to let another new partner in. I hated myself the remainder of class for what I allowed to happen. I felt violated and stupid for not standing up for myself.

Tonight, I plan to return. This creep will not ruin jiu jitsu for me. I refuse to allow him to take away the one thing that is helping me control my negativity. I did confide in my husband and my very good friend who helped me prepare for tournament.

Ok, now I have to go practice my breathing exercises because the simple act of typing this out has me feeling angry all over again. I’m feeling chest tightness.

I wish you well. Be safe. Thanks for reading.

Bouncing back

Clawing your way back out from the darkness of your mind is not an easy task. I’ve attempted it myself several times.

I may have found something that helps me. I noticed a change in March of 2013. I did really well up until March of 2018. It got worse as months went on. It seemed to peak around May. Mother’s Day was beyond hard. 2018 was the hardest year as it marked the 10 year anniversary of my only daughter’s passing. I didn’t notice my depression getting worse myself. My husband actually sat me down to talk about it. I finally reached out for help in September after having thoughts of not existing anymore.

I’ve finally been able to resume the one thing that seems to have helped me in my bout with my inner negativity. I’ve been at it less than a full week, but it appears to be helping mentally even if my body is taking longer to adjust.

This may not work for everyone, but sometimes a physical outlet helps. Whether that be running, cycling or martial arts, do what helps you. I’m no longer reliant on medication and it hasn’t gone as negatively as predicted.

I hope you find your peace. I haven’t found mine, but I think I’m on the correct path again.

Be safe.

My body, My choice

I’d like to give my perspective on the current headlines regarding the abortion ban. I should start by saying that I am not a political person. Yes, I know I should be since I do have the ability to vote, but it’s always gone over my head. I’ll be the first to admit I find it isn’t dumbed down enough for me.

Why is there such an uproar over what women do with their bodies? When did it become a decision for politicians what women choose to experience? Let’s jump right into it.

If men who are deciding women should carry to term every child their body creates then maybe, just maybe, they should amend some budgets so that those children they’re so desperately advocating for actually have a chance at a fruitful life once they’re forced into this world by the choices of the men who create every pregnancy a woman carries while suffering the burdens pregnancy creates.

Instead of advocating for the unborn, let’s start taking care of those that are already in this world fighting for themselves because no one will do it for them. Children should not have to worry if they’ll eat when school is out of session. There are children worrying about issues that us adults still haven’t figured out.

Drained

I’m so glad Mother’s Day weekend is over. I just wish it had taken all this exhaustion with it.

While I saw many posting on different social media platforms about all the gifts they received from loved ones I was busy hoping to receive SOMETHING from my kids and/or husband.

By the time the clock struck midnight all I wanted to do was cry my eyes out because this Mother’s Day was extremely devoid of any joy. It was another damn Sunday. I went grocery shopping with the kids, took a nap, browsed social media and tried to stay mentally busy.

I failed miserably. Starting Saturday, I was on my own. No one asked if I wanted anything. There were no homemade cards, flowers weren’t picked or bought for me, no one said how much they appreciate me as the mom of this family.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit I’m not the easiest to tolerate, but dammit this day is hard enough without my daughter..do I really need to be drilled further into the ground by being ignored? I’ve dealt with this on my birthday before which let’s be honest hurt damn near as much as losing my daughter, but fuck this time it was knife twisting in the uterus type pain.

I guess I should start at the beginning. My husband failed to wake up on time for his test for a city job. Somehow that became my fault, or so it felt. He then asked me “what about breakfast?” This is where I got snippy. I say the same thing EVERY year…”either plan something out, make reservations or just plan for something to do at home, but do NOT expect me to want to go out to eat last minute when everyone has the same idea.”

I don’t think it’s much to ask, but still every year I get asked the same fucking question. “What do you want to do?” Every year I get pissed off that my husband hasn’t taken the initiative. We’ve been together long enough that he knows what I like to eat, watch, do and experience. Which is why it’s so infuriating that I still get asked.

Father’s Day and his birthday, with the exception of last year when I was in the deepest lows of my depression, have always been celebrated. Thing is he likes to measure how my birthday will be celebrated based on how his was since he is a few months before me.

I thought we were at the point in our relationship where celebrating one another did not depend on moods or previous celebrations, but every year I’m surprised by how wrong I am. I really needed some type of validation this year.

Thank you for reading and allowing me to vent. I type this through tears as I look at my kids watching tv in the living room and I dread my husband coming home because then the ignoring continues.

I apologize for my whining. I’m not in a very positive or confident place right now despite my outward appearance. If you too are struggling in any way please reach out. We can tread water together. Don’t suffer alone.

Roller coaster day

Welcome back!

If I haven’t already mentioned, I work full time overnight in 12hr shifts. I initially had requested Friday night off so I could be well rested for graduation. Just my luck that I’d be scheduled to work.

Yes, I did ask my coworkers if they would be willing to switch, but the only one who I could switch with was the one coworker I denied a switch to just the week prior. So you can guess what their response was!

Had thought of calling off, but I need the money & my pto. So I went to work, used my lunch break to do my hair and went straight home after to get my youngest ready for his communion that morning.

Of course, my day would not go as smooth as planned. One of my dogs got out at 8am. Which resulted in me scouring my neighborhood looking for him, but not before waking my husband to have him get our little one ready.

It was about 30 minutes into my search when someone called saying they found my dog over 3 miles away. I met them at a factory near my house where they just so happened to work and were going when they found my dog. Finally get my dog home, rush to change into something both communion and graduation appropriate, then my husband and I haul ass to the church. We get there just in time as the kids are lining up. Our youngest had already been dropped off by my husband, but he had to run back home to change because he too was helping me look for the dog.

Communion ceremony went great. We stayed after for coffee and pastries in the church hall then took pictures with family and finally left to go get real food. After eating it left us just enough time to clean out my truck, vacuum it and haul ass AGAIN to my mom’s house to take her with us to graduation.

We get there, I’m crabby and walk in complaining only to be greeted by my step-dad’s parents who I forgot were visiting. I pose for pics. Then we leave dragging my little sister along with us. I napped on the way. Got there 30 minutes before the ceremony started. Forgot my name card, which I needed for entry into the arena, in the truck. Texted my husband to bring it. He ran back to the truck to get it. Finally I make it in find a seat and wait.

I graduated from a city college. I’m not sure how other cities have their colleges set up, but we have 7. Each servicing a different part of the city and specializing in different types of programs. My ceremony had 3 of those colleges graduating together. My college made up the majority of students.

The ceremony itself took a long time to get to the degree award portion. I almost tripped walking up the ramp to the stage, but managed my best model strut across it. That alone is a huge feat for me as I don’t wear anything other than gym shoes or athletic sandals, but I wore 3 inch wedges for this. I cried as I descended the steps as it hit me that the one person missing couldn’t have made it if they tried, that being my daughter.

I somehow managed to fall asleep while waiting for the ceremony to end. Funny enough my husband and mom caught that and texted me asking if I wanted to leave. I opted to stick it out. I really wanted that moment where they announce us as graduates and we move our tassel to the other side.

Finally we leave, drop my mom and sister off then head to Slice Factory to get pizza per my request. We head home, my kids bring me clothes to change into cuz I’m too tired to make it to my room, we eat and my husband gets invited on a beer run by his brother. I give my blessing, he goes to change and I fall asleep before he even leaves the house.

Now, let me fill in some stuff that I left out. I invited 7 people to my graduation. 5 people went. My oldest little sister wouldn’t wake up. It did bother me considering I too was tired and I’ve done a lot for her, but a part of me understood. The other person who failed to show up was the one that really pissed me off. That person was my dad.

Before you start coming up with excuses for him. He said he had to work, but here’s the thing….he is a handyman that works for himself. I was livid. I sent him a picture of myself in my cap & gown from the ceremony telling him he missed my milestone. What does he do? Replies HOURS later “sorry congratulations let’s do lunch or breakfast tomorrow”. I didn’t respond until Sunday when I told him off. It all included a “kiss my ass”, “don’t bother” and “I’m not inviting you anymore because you don’t show up”. He called me dramatic and tried to further excuse his lack of interest in my graduating from college by telling me it had finally stopped raining and that was his only chance to perform the work. I’m in Chicago. It didn’t rain Sunday either, but whatever. He chose his path.

I had a great day with the exception of that absence. I apologize for the rant near the end. I’ve been holding in a lot the last 24hrs. Oh, I did finally make it to my bed at 3am after having passed out on the couch. Lol

Don’t mind the mess

I’d like to invite you in to my world. I recently spoke with a friend about blogging. He mentioned how blogging can be therapeutic. For that reason alone….here I am.

I have quite a few things going on at the moment. I’m clawing my way through depression, finding time to love my husband intimately on the days we do cross paths and learn to motivate myself for the sake of a better future. Tomorrow I graduate college. I’ll be the first in my family to do so. I should probably mention it’s been 10 years in the making. Why has it taken me 10 years to graduate with an associate’s degree? Well, where the hell do I even start?

Let’s do a quick recap. I’ll do my best to keep it short.

Started school about 13 months after burying my only daughter. Found out I was pregnant again my 2nd semester. Quit school when personal relationships were effecting my performance. Went back periodically, but couldn’t finish due to my own depression and lack of drive to better myself. Finally decided to finish when my husband graduated last year.

Here we are the night before I walk across the stage. First in my family to do it. I’m nervous as all hell, but I really want my kids to see me accomplish this goal. It’s taken a lot of help to get here and I’ll admit I never thought it’d actually happen.

Now that you’re caught up I want to tell you the purpose of this blog and a little of what I’ll cover in it.

I’ll be writing about my own ups and downs through life, my journey through my depression, parenting my 2 boys, marriage to my high school sweetheart and my path as I learn the gentle art of jiu jitsu with some random topics scattered throughout.

So join me as we tackle life together. Feel free to leave a comment, question you’d like me to answer or suggestion for a post. I welcome all as I learn to process life, grief and learning along with you.

Be safe.